


it's always been you

by bucksbuddie



Series: Buddie One Shots/AU's [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Post-Episode: s04e05 Buck Begins, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:00:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29514981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bucksbuddie/pseuds/bucksbuddie
Summary: He answered the call without a second thought; “Evan?”His only response was Buck’s stuttering breath on the other end.Eddie sat up, now feeling half awake (kind of), concern churning in his gut, “Buck? Where are you, what’s wrong?”“ ‘m f-fine...” Buck whispered, his voice strained, sounding as if he was trying to keep it steady. But Eddie could read him like a book, and Buck knew this, but still he tried to keep that wall standing strong.“That sounds like bull shit.” Eddie said, fully awake now, already getting out of bed and putting on pants. “Tell me where you are.”Post "Buck Begins" !
Relationships: Buddie - Relationship, Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Buddie One Shots/AU's [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168232
Comments: 10
Kudos: 339





	it's always been you

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first work for this fandom and this ship, so please be nice. XD i also suck at titles, i'm sorry.
> 
> Kudos and comments are so much appreciated!<3

Eddie stood in the doorway of Christopher’s room, watching his son’s chest rise and fall rhythmically as the boy slept soundly, arms clutching one of his stuffed toys, and he eventually realized it must have been around twenty minutes since he’d first stopped in the hallway to check on his boy while he was making his way to his room.  
  


He sighed, because not only was he checking on Chris, he’d ended up getting lost in his thoughts as he watched and listened to the curly haired boy breathing in his sleep. He was thinking about Buck.

Of course he was thinking about Buck. When was he not thinking about Buck; especially recently, since all this shit had come up about Daniel and his parents and tension between him and Maddie?

It’d been at least a week since all that had happened; Maddie and Buck were speaking after their evening spent reminiscing in old photos and memories, and Maddie telling Buck about the brother he didn’t remember or even knew they had. Eddie had spoken to him yesterday afternoon, and he  _ seemed _ to be okay, but he knew there was something more. He knew Buck was hiding himself from him.

And it hurt, because he wanted so much to be the one Buck turned to when he finally let down his walls, he wanted to be the one Buck spilled what was going on inside his head to. But he also knew he couldn’t just waltz in on a white horse and expect that he’d make everything okay. Eddie knew better; he knew this wasn’t the time for a conversation with his friend about his feelings.

Friend. That’s what Eddie was, Buck’s  _ friend. _

He muttered a curse under his breath as he made his way to his room, climbed into bed, and threw the duvet over his face. He turned on his side and buried his nose into the pillow, shut his eyes, and hoped he’d just fall asleep and that his stupid brain would shut the hell up for once, and stop telling him how many moments he could have had to tell Buck the truth - but he never took those moments.

And now...

Now, Buck was in pain. Buck was alone, in his own head, thinking God knows what, when Eddie should be there making him feel like he wasn’t alone - he was never alone.

Realistically, Buck knew this. Buck knew he had Eddie, and Christopher, and Maddie, and the rest of the firehouse at his side. But even when you’ve got people who desperately try to reassure you that they’re there for you, it’s still so stupidly easy to get lost in your own mind where you feel isolated and like there’s no one you can turn to.

And ironically, the one who makes you feel that way; alone, isolated, trapped... Is yourself.

Eddie jolted when he heard his phone vibrating against his nightstand. He groaned -because who the hell calls at such an ungodly hour?- and reluctantly poked his head out from under his duvet, grabbed his phone, and checked the caller ID.

It was Buck.

**_‘The hell?’_ ** Eddie wondered silently, asking himself why Buck was calling him  _ now, _ but he answered the call without a second thought; “Evan?”

His only response was Buck’s stuttering breath on the other end.

Eddie sat up, now feeling half awake (kind of), concern churning in his gut, “Buck? Where are you, what’s wrong?”

“ ‘m f-fine...” Buck whispered, his voice strained, sounding as if he was trying to keep it steady. But Eddie could read him like a book, and Buck knew this, but still he tried to keep that wall standing strong.

“That sounds like bull shit.” Eddie said, fully awake now, already getting out of bed and putting on pants. “Tell me where you are.”

Buck scoffed, “Home. Where else? It’s the middle of the night.” He said; his voice was sounding stronger, but there was an underlying sound of sadness and... hopelessness? And it had Eddie worried.

“So why’d you call me  _ ‘in the middle of the night’  _ then?” Eddie asked. He could practically hear his friend opening his mouth to snap a reply, but he sighed, cutting him off, “Just shut up and come over. Door will be unlocked, don’t make too much noise, Christopher is asleep. And  _ don’t _ argue with me, Evan.”

“I- Fine.”

And the line went dead.

Eddie clicked off his phone, stripping off the t-shirt he was sleeping in and put on something that wasn’t wrinkled to kingdom come.

The fact that Buck hadn’t even put up a fight after Eddie told him to come over just went to show how much he knew he needed someone right now - even if he was nowhere near ready to admit it verbally.

Eddie checked his hair in the mirror, running his fingers through it to fix it up a little, before he rolled his eyes at his reflection. This wasn’t a date.

He made his way quietly to the living room after unlocking the front door, turned on a lamp, and sat on the couch as he waited for Buck to arrive. Despite him knowing that this was probably going to be a very tense next few hours, his heart was pounding as if he were a teenager again and someone was sneaking through his window in the midst of the night.

**_‘Get a fucking grip.’_ ** He said in his mind, wringing his hands together, nearly jumping once he heard the door opening. Buck had arrived too quick to have been at his home when he called Eddie. But the man decided not to clock that - yet.

“Hey.” He said, his voice slightly above a whisper. His heart stopped once Buck got closer, stepping into the light from the lamp; his cheeks were blotchy, his eyes red-rimmed and swollen, and his lip quivered as he met Eddie’s eyes.

“Hi.” Buck answered, standing awkwardly. Eddie stood up, his hands in front of him in an awkward gesture, not knowing what the fuck he was supposed to say right now. “Um...” He began scratching the back of his neck, “Do you- Can I get you anything? To drink, eat?”

Buck shook his head, a wet laugh leaving his lips, “Eddie, I didn’t come here to eat.”

Eddie only nodded, swallowing thickly. He sat back on the couch, motioning for his friend to take a seat next to him. Buck stalled, just staring. Eddie offered a soft smile, his voice almost pleading when he whispered, “Buck, come here...”

He let out a shaky sigh, his shoulders sagging, and he stepped forward, approaching Eddie before sitting down beside him. Buck’s elbows rested on his knees as he leaned forward, his forehead dropping into his palms. Eddie waited; he knew that he needed to shut up, be patient, and wait, because Buck was the only one who could move this along - without prompting, without questions. He just needed one thing.

Patience.

Eddie’s heart crumbled as he watched Buck’s shoulders stutter as the man let out a trembling sigh. There were another few beats of silence before Buck whispered so quietly that Eddie almost missed it, “They don’t want me.”

His voice was so... Beaten. So broken, so defeated, so hopeless. It rang in Eddie’s ears:

_ “They don’t want me.” _

He didn’t have to ask who, because he knew. He knew, and it made his stomach burn with anger and disgust; how could two people who created such a beautiful, kind, selfless, sweet boy not show him the love and support that he deserved?

The he fucking  _ needed _ so, so badly.

“Buck...” Eddie whispered, practically having to pin his own hand down or else he was sure he would’ve caressed the man’s cheek, and it would have been obvious right then and there that Buck wasn’t just a  _ friend _ to Eddie.

“Do you know how many times, as a child, I needed - no, I  _ yearned _ , for them to fucking hold me. They couldn’t even  _ hold  _ their fucking  _ son,  _ Eddie!” Buck said, his voice still low and hushed, but the emotion was clear. Buck was angry.

And he had every right to be.

But it wasn’t just anger that Eddie sensed; his friend’s anger was barely hiding the rejection, the desperation, the pain, the brokenness, that were underneath his fiery words. To hear it all, and know there was nothing he could do to take it away, it hurt. Like a dagger in the chest.

It hurt.

“I always wondered, when I saw other kids with their parents, why I felt like what I had was different. I felt that it was different, because it was. They locked themselves in their grief and they thought their remaining two children could fend for their fucking selves. And look at me now.” Buck said, laughing quietly but with bitterness. “Look at me now.” He repeated, his eyes glazing over as he started shutting down again.

“I am.” Eddie said, before he could stop himself. Slowly, Buck turned to face the other man. His eyes were still far away, but he was looking. So Eddie needed to think fast, before Buck looked away again.

“I can bet everything I have that when I look at you, I’m not seeing what you see. I don’t see any of those negative things you’re probably thinking about yourself. I see someone whom any parent with any sort of brain in their head should be so fucking proud of, Buck. I see someone who makes people’s lives better just by smiling at them - because your smile could light up a room.”

Buck’s eyes were focused now, and they were wide as he listened to the words that just seemed to flow effortlessly from Eddie’s mouth. He couldn’t stop himself.

And now that he’d finally begun releasing all he felt for Buck, he didn’t want to stop himself.

“You’ve made  _ my _ life better. I look at you, and I immediately smile. And Christopher? He thinks the world of you, Evan. You may have grown up not receiving the love you should have, but you sure as hell know how to give it out. You love people so effortlessly. Nobody had to teach you how, because it’s just who you are.”

Eddie's eyes and Buck's continued to meet, and Eddie watched as Buck's eyes filled with tears, and he watched as the walls shot back up when Buck turned away. He wiped his eyes, pressing his lips into a thin line, shaking his head hard. Buck sucked in a trembling breath, "Then why wasn't I enough for the people who should've been the first to see all of that that you just mentioned? Why don't  _ I  _ see it? Why have I  _ never  _ seen it?" He asked self depracatingly, slamming his fist into his thigh as a sob ripped past his lips.

Buck stood up, raking his hands through his hair, tugging in his frustration because he really didn't want to start to fall apart in front of Eddie of all people, but he felt it coming.

He tensed when he felt Eddie's hands on his shoulders from behind, but he let himself be turned around to face the other man. Eddie's eyes were soft as they stared into Buck's pained, watery ones.

"No." Buck whimpered, ripping away, chest heaving. "No, no, you don't get to make this better, Eddie. You don't get to stand there and tell me it's okay, tell me how  _ great  _ a guy I am, how wonderful -"

"Evan -"

"They didn't _ want me! _ They  _ don't  _ want me. I can see it, I know it. I'm unwanted!" Buck snarled in a pained whisper - and despite himself, a tear rolled down his left cheek.

Eddie took hold of Buck's forearms, and this time he didn't let the other man pull away. He pulled him in, closer. Eddie stared into Buck's eyes, his expression firm and determined. " _ I  _ want you. I've  _ always  _ wanted you. I want you, Evan."

"No." Buck said, almost like he was begging. "No, Eddie, don't -"

"Evan." Eddie said, his hands coming up to cradle Buck's face. "Look at me, listen to me." He said, only persisting and continuing to hold Buck's face as the man shook his head in denial. "I know you're scared, and you need this wall you've built up. I know you think you can't let me in, I know the thought scares you more than you'll ever be willing to admit. I know that wall that you surround yourself in, the one that blocks out the world, is what got you through the hell that was your childhood." Eddie paused, watching as tear after tear rolled from Buck's eyes and down his cheeks, hitting Eddie's thumbs. "But you're not a child anymore," he continued, "And you've got me. You don't need that wall anymore, Buck. At least not with me, and not with Christopher. I'd never -" He stopped as his voice caught in his throat, and he realized he was in tears too. Eddie just smiled, shaking his head at how ridiculous he must seem.

"I'd never hurt you." Eddie whispered. "I'd never abandon you when you need me, I'd never -"

"Eddie." Buck said, pulling away, wiping his eyes. "What're you doing?"

Eddie furrowed his brows in confusion.

"Why are you saying all these things? You're sounding like you -"

"Like I love you?" Eddie blurted before he could really think about it. He felt his stomach churn with anxiety as he tried to gauge Buck's reaction. In the beginning, the man's mouth dropped slightly, like he couldn't believe Eddie actually said the words. Then, in a beat, his mouth closed and he was looking away.

Eddie really thought he'd gone and screwed everything up, until Buck looked into his eyes again. And this time, he looked scared. Unsure. He looked as if he thought maybe he'd imagined the words Eddie said.

So the man reached for Buck's hands, his heart skipping a beat once Buck met him halfway, and their fingers intertwined.

Eddie didn't stop to think before he said the words, "I love you, Evan."

And in that moment, the walls came down. Eddie watched as Buck's face crumpled, stood stunned as he felt the other man lean forward in a rush, pressing his face into Eddie's shoulder as his whole body rattled with his sobs.

His heart ached at the keening sounds coming from the man who was clinging to him as if his life depended on it. Eddie let his hand ghost over Buck's back, up between his shoulders, and gently pressed his fingertips to the back of the man's neck, rubbing the skin there in soft, soothing strokes, before he threaded his fingers through Buck's hair - something he's wanted to do since...

Ever, honestly.

He cradled the back of Buck's head as the man remained pressed against Eddie's shoulder, his sobbing not having let up quite yet. But Eddie didn't mind.

"It's okay." Eddie said, his voice like honey, and the sound alone was like a blanket enveloping Buck in a secure, safe embrace. "It's okay, Buck. Just let it out, let it go... I've got you."

He doesn't know how long it took until Buck's crying subsided, until his breathing slowed to normal, and he just remained silent against Eddie, not wanting to be let go just yet.

When he finally felt like he could step away a little without completely falling apart, Buck pulled back slightly, letting out a shaky -and highly embarrassed- sigh. He opened his mouth like he had something to say, but nothing came out. He ducked his head, reaching up to scratch the back of his head nervously, "Um..."

Eddie only smiled softly, wiping a tear that sat just below Buck's left eye, unmoving. He bit his lip, "Buck, I- I meant it. When I said I love you. Even if you don't feel the same, I need you to know I meant it. I've felt like this for such a long time. I'm sorry I never let you know."

Buck met Eddie's eyes, a beat passing before a small smile formed. He reached for Eddie's cheek, his thumb delicately stroking the man's jaw, ghosting over the light stubble that was there. Eddie couldn't help but melt under the touch.

"I do feel the same." Buck said, fully cupping Eddie's cheek, moving a little more forward. He could feel Eddie's breath tickling his upper lip as their faces stayed hardly two centimeters apart. 

Eddie gulped, his eyes flickering away from Buck's.

"Can I kiss you?" Buck asked, their lips almost brushing from the movement of him speaking. Eddie shakily nodded, his eyes meeting Buck's again, but only for half a second before the taller man closed the gap between them.

It was everything they'd both dreamed their first kiss together would be. And God knows, they both fantasized about it for as long as they could remember, since they'd developed a friendship through work.

Eddie's hands dropped to Buck's hips, his fingers resting on the man's belt, as both men softly and carefully explored one another's mouths for the first time ever.

Buck was the first to make a risky move; he sunk his teeth lightly into Eddie's lower lip, sucking it into his mouth tenderly, barely biting back a smirk once he heard the man let out a little whine.

When they pulled away to catch their breaths, Eddie licked his lips like he wanted to savor the taste of Buck's lips against his own for as long as possible. He smiled with a blush dusting his cheeks, ducking his head once Buck smiled back. They were like two tongue-tied teenagers with crushes.

Buck cleared his throat, stuffing his hands in his jean pockets, "Um..." He began, trailing off with an embarrassed chuckle.

Eddie chuckled in return, shifting his weight from one leg to the other, "I, uh. Do you want to stay? It's pretty late; you could take my bed, and I'll just -"

"Sleep with me." Buck said. "I promise I'll behave." He added, his eyes glinting playfully.

Eddie's cheeks flushed and he just smiled, looking at the floor, "Alright, yeah. Let's go then, you can borrow something to sleep in."

Buck reached for Eddie's wrist, taking a light hold, his thumb rubbing soft and slow circles on the back of Eddie's hand. "Thank you." He said, his eyes revealing that he meant it wholeheartedly. "I feel like this is the start of something really good. And I -" He paused, willing himself to ignore his thumping heart. "And I really want you to know that I'm gonna try and make this work; I won't shut you out - at least I'll remind myself not to when I start doing it."

Eddie placed his hand over Buck's, smiling so hard he thought his face would split in half. "I love you, Evan. Come on." He said, pressing a tender kiss to Buck's temple before leading the other man towards his bedroom so they could get some rest.

"I love you back." Buck replied, following Eddie down the hallway with a boyish grin on his face, his stomach swirling with butterflies.

  
  
  
  


**_FIN_ **

**Author's Note:**

> my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/bucksbuddie)  
> my [Tumblr](https://plaid-diaz.tumblr.com)


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